Q: Fathers, who needs ’em?
A: Me and everyone else, that’s who!
Another Fathers Day has come and gone but for me it was just another day. Just as it’s always been. I was ahead of my time. When I grew up everyone had a father except for me, I never knew my father. He took off and lived his life without me. As painful as that is it was probably best for me that he was out of my life rather than in and out causing more problems.
Never the less, I’ve always felt like something vital was missing. As a small child I felt unwanted and rejected but it took decades for me to put words to those feelings. My mother used to tell me, “The two of us are a family. We don’t have to have a man around to be a family.” It made me angry when she said that but now I know that those were her feeble attempts to cope with her own painful situation. She did not want to be a single parent. Life as a single parent is hard regardless of how society may accept or reject single parenthood. The only thing harder than being a single parent is to be the child without a parent.
Every child needs a father who loves him and lives at home. Is that a statement that needs scientific analysis and costly reasearch? Throughout my life, I’ve seen the pendulum swing back and forth with this society rejecting fathers to finding fathers and then suing fathers. God the creator ment for children to have fathers and mothers and intact families. This is no position paper this is my life.
I’m not taking a position and defending it, I’m telling you about my pain. I’ve gone from hating my father to hating all men and to forgiving my father and valuing real men. Real men don’t abandon their families. My father had serious problems with substance abuse, loose morals and major emotional swings. He was sick and I forgive him.
Growing up fatherless made me feel inadequate, confused and I’ve had such difficulty relating to men in any way that was not sexual. I’ve allowed men to use me sexually in order to feel close to a man but those men never loved me. Those experiences always ended in bitter pain with me hating my self for being used.
As a small child, I used being fatherless as an excuse for my short-comings. I remember saying that I couldn’t play sports because I didn’t have a father. Not in those exact words because I was in the early school years. I don’t know why I said that unless it was my way of crying for help.
I remember my mother also said things like, “I’m your mother and your father.” She made me so angry saying things like that. I blamed her my father’s absenteeism. She rarely talked about him and when she did it was negative messages. I’m an adult now and I think like an adult. He took off not her. His actions are not her fault. She was a faulty mother just like I’m her faulty child. I forgive her.
People, especially teachers, treated me with contempt when they learned that I was fatherless. They were wrong to do so. I didn’t run off my father and was in no way responsible for his actions. Now I know this but as a child I often felt that he left because of me. “My father rejected me because he hated me, I wasn’t good enough, and there was something wrong with me.” All those precious growing up years were filled with such thoughts and some that were worse.
Feelings of suicide plagued me when I was very young. Frequently, I had dreams that I was falling from the sky and I was terrified! I tried to scream but couldn’t. All I could do was flail my arms and legs about. In all of those dreams I woke up just before hitting the ground. Immediately, I felt shame, fear and disturbed. I never told anyone.
Later in life, I read a book about dreams that explained this type of dream as a suicidal message. The reason I always awoke before crashing is because our subconscious can not see our dead selves. If the subconscious mind sees us as dead then we will kill ourselves. Is that explanation true, I don’t know but that’s what a book said.
Growing up fatherless made me feel lost and for ever searching for that missing father figure. Our present society hates fathers, men and man hood. Consequently, society has a distinct hatred toward God, the heavenly father. I used to belong to the man-father-God hater society due to my own painful experiences. Now that I think like an adult I no longer blame God for all my problems and father rejecting me because I know that God is not to blame for the actions of fathers and mothers.
I need God and I need a father as we all do.